Friday, March 13, 2009

Parlez vous francais? Non

So I'm trying to figure out how to get to France this summer. There are two reasons I want to go. My sister will be there for the summer, which is the common denominator for both reasons. First, she plans to bring my father with her. He's dead. So she'll be bringing his ashes. He passed away suddenly in 2004, and for the last 4 1/2 years, his cremated remains have spent the majority of their time in Sis's closet or my basement. We won't give them to our brother because of the very high likelihood that his wife would throw them away. She is a neat freak. We never purchased an urn or anything. Really, we had no clue AT ALL what we were supposed to do when he died. My parents divorced years ago, and it was left to his historically underachieving and irreverent offspring to find him a final resting place. We had him cremated because we had no idea what else to do with him and had to make a quick decision. I've felt guilty about him being in my basement, but I did bring him up for the 2008 Super Bowl to see the last quarter of a TOTALLY FANTASTIC GAME (won by his fave team, the NY Giants, in case you were living under a rock that year). And I don't even really like football. But I digress.
My dad was a huge cycling fan and my sis's idea was that, since she'll be in France anyway, she'll scatter some of his ashes on the route when the Tour de France is in Paris. Totally brilliant idea (thought that same feeling may not be shared by the cyclists or spectators who would run the risk of inhaling the bone fragments of my deceased pere...that's french for dad...I think.). I'd really like to be there for that (the scattering, not the inhaling), but I have no money. Sigh. Benny tells me to stop shaving my armpits becasue that's the closest I'm getting to France anytime soon. Fermez la bouche, buddy.
But the other, more pressing reason I want to go to France is because my sister is spending the ENTIRE summer living with a French family doing God knows what in a country where the primary language spoken is one she has consistently proven herself inept at speaking and understanding. My sister SUCKS at French. She's failed graduate level French a couple of times I believe, primarily becasue she couldn't pass the final exam. And this semester she tried to audit the class and I think they asked her not to come back. So she is under the potentially catrastrophic impression that completely inmmersing herself in French language will make her a natural. Too f'ing funny.
I'm not sure this poor host family has any idea that she is so lacking when it comes to basic communication in French. Seriously, it'll be like having a five foot four inch infant in their house. She might need to resort to crying when she is hungry. Or maybe she should just practice her pictionary skills. That's universal right? So I just want to be there to watch all this because I would find it really, really funny. I means seriously funny. Funny enough that instead of underwear, I would pack Depends because I think I would be wetting myself on a regular basis. It would be like a weeklong overseas comedy show. And I know my sister well enough to know that my hysteria over her lack of fluency would produce equivalent fits of hysteria in her as well. We would be like two mentally ill Americans walking around in Paris, doubled over and crying, possibly curled up in the fetal positon at the base of the Eiffel Tower. That would do so much to improve foreign relations, because they love us already. And honestly, think of the blog posts. Just think of it!! So to all of you readers who want to spend the summer reading hilarious posts about two noncommuniucative American tourists in France, consider donating cash or frequent flier miles, in the interest of entertainment. For now, I'm going to set up a lemonade stand. In the 30 degree weather. Au revoir!


ali said...

Je suis très bonne en français! Quand je commande mon repas, je commande matières premières grenouilles pour vous! Je vais vous présenter ma sœur, qui mouille sa culotte et rit toujours. Ils connaisent tu es un idiot. Je dit que c'est vrai, mais je t'aime. Alors! Donnez a ma soeur, s'il vous plait!

emmay said...

Just as I thought....I begged google to translate for me and this is what you said:

Je suis très bonne en franà § ais! When I order my meal, I order matière res first few frogs for you! Je vais vous prà © senter ma sÅ "ur, who wets her pants and always laughs. They connaisent you're an idiot. I said it was true, but I love you. Alors! Give my sister, please!

karen said...

How is your sister going to explain your Dad to the TSA when they check out her carry-on? Maybe a Shawshank Redemption style release (holes inside the pockets so the ashes are released down the pant legs) approach would be less disturbing to the Tour de France crowd at large? (Although maybe more disturbing to the person with ashes all over her legs...). I hope you are successful with that lemonade stand - not only do I agree the trip may be great comic relief but your sister may need a friend to bail her out if the authorities aren't as amused by her objectives as I am!

emmay said...

Of course, Karen, neither of us have given the logistics of transporting Dad overseas any thought at all. But I will pass on your concerns and suggestions. :)

xmas said...

Hey, if they can do it on LOST, you most certainly should be able to do it in real life!

I would very much enjoy those blog posts so I'll take a lemonade! If you do go, which I really think would be awesome, definitely bring a camera crew so you can make a documentary of your experiences, I'm sure it would be totally worth it...hehe. Or maybe you can pitch the idea to some small production company and they'll fund your trip.

Good luck with getting there. If my sister and I were traveling to France together, only one of us would make it off the plane alive.